I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Less talking, more tequila
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
