hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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