The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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