Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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