I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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