yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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