Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
