I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
