fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
