That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
