I can text with my tongue
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
