the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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