He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
