So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
