I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
