I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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