a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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