Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
