i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
