Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's rum buckets o'clock
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
