im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
