I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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