The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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