Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
