does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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