He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They are going to name an STD after you.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
