just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
