fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
