you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
