he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
