You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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