How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
