using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Farmville is her only friend.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
