My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
