I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
