you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
