hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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