Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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