I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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