I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
