If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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