Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
