She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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