Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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