Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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