wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
