Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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