Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
