Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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