I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
