the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
