i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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