I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
